Ahhh, to have real Chinese Food

Chinese food...specifically Dim Sum...upon my move to Virginia a few years back I thought that there would be a excess of Chinese food restaurants, why I thought that I have no idea, but the sad truth is that there are no authentic Chinese restaurants in my part of the world...now, in Honolulu it was a Sunday tradition to put on your finest gecko t-shirt, a pair of expandable shorts and your Nanakuli suede's (flip flops) and drive to Mr. Li's. This was a huge stone building sent in a courtyard and protected by a pair of stone Fu Lions that someone had spray painted 'rock rules' on one of it's enormous heads...a sad attempt at humor...inside there were huge round tables draped with white tablecloths and covered with circles of Plexiglas, thereby saving Mr. Li a bundle in dry cleaning...Mr Li was nothing if not frugal...There was always a line and as you stood slowly shuffling forward you could catch a glimpse of the stainless steel dim sum carts whisking by the doorway and catch an occasional redolent sniff of the goodies contained therein...now the Chinese are great believers in odd numbers, all Chinese wedding feasts have an uneven number of courses, five course meal, seven course meal and the belly splitting nine course meal...All accompanied by the requisite fortune cookies now made in Japan...The premise being that the odd number will bring good luck...I made this suggestion to my wife, that were I to have another wife, thereby bringing our number to three, we would achieve that state of 'good luckiness' so sought after by the Chinese...She graciously demurred: offering to move my person a few feet in a northerly direction with the swift application of her right foot...But I digress...Once we were seated Mr. Li always made a point of greeting us and saying something effusive in Chinese, for all I know he was probably swearing at me...He always said 'Aroha...Aroha' followed by something unintelligible and I always nodded sagely while tucking in my napkin...I would have agreed to bamboo splinters under my nails if he would just start the dim sum carts rolling in my direction.
But one they began...What a feast! Steamed buns filled with succulent pork, crispy tender Chinese broccoli under a blanket of salty oyster sauce, crispy egg rolls with hot Chinese mustard, tofu stuffed with seafood, steamed dumplings filled the chunks of lobster, crunchy green beans and sesame seeds...All of these and so much more accompanied by little bowls of sauces...I could have drunk them down, I often did...surreptitiously knocking back shots of soy sauce with aged Chinese black vinegar, sweet and tart plum sauce, oyster sauce shooters!! and for the finale...Melt in you mouth sweet custard in the flakiest of crusts...I was in goose bump heaven!
Now there are some things in the Chinese culture that even I have had the hold your nose and swallow attitude towards...One Sunday...in his stroll around the restaurant, Mr. Li clapped me on the back and congratulated me on my enjoyment of his fine cuisine, since they charge you by the little plates the dim sum are served on I figured Mr. Li was getting the better part of the bargain...He asked me if I liked 'Chinee Food'...I figured a smart ass answer would get me another offer from my wife to relocate my person so I just said yes...He offered me a little tid bit on the house and had my server bring out a 1000 year old egg...It was black and iridescent green and sliced open like a lotus leaf...The egg and I eyed each other dubiously...Wouldn't a 1000 year old egg be more wrinkled and smelly? Was it really 1000 years old? How many times had this egg been sent back to the kitchen? Mr. Li was saying something, but I wasn't listening, I was frantically trying to think of a way out o9f this, after all, I didn't want to insult the old man, but I also didn't want to toss up a meal that I had just paid $53.95 for...What to do? Now a 1000 year old egg isn't really 1000 years old and contrary to folk lore isn't cured in horse urine...Getting a horse to piss on an egg would be an acrobatic feat even for the Chinese...The taste is slightly gelatinous and gooey and if you dip it in enough soy sauce and swallow it quickly the taste doesn't linger, follow up with copious quantities of Chinese tea and the deed is done! I left him a big tip, Called him a little bastard in Russian and left with my dignity intact.